Last Thoughts
by ficlover1193
Summary: Susannah's thoughts before she pulls the trigger.


**Disclaimer!: Unfortunately, I don't own anything! Not Tristan, or Alfred, of Sussanah! Though I would love to own Brad Pitt! : ) ENJOY!**

I held the gun in my hand, the cold barrel pressed to my temple. I hesitated for a brief second, and only that. I knew this was my only way out. Maybe it was the wrong choice, but it was my only one. My life had become not even a life at all. I used to be so free and full of inhibition...with Tristan. Now I was more like a shell of my former self than a human being at all. I was ready to let it all go, but wanted my last moments to be peaceful. So I closed my eyes..and remembered.

_The first time I saw him. He was strong yet beautiful on the stallion he was riding. As he approached, I realized, in slight embarrassment, that he was possibly the most gorgeous creature I had ever seen. And then he had smiled, at me. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. He didn't speak, just stared. I knew I was pretty much doing the same though I tried to hide it. When he spoke,finally, it was like honey dripping down my spine. I know that I loved Samuel, but in that moment I fell **IN** love with Tristan._

_The night I watched him from my bedroom window as he tried to ride the wild horse. He was gentle, yet very firm with her. I nearly ran out to him when she threw him off. But he wasn't taken aback, so neither was I. I watched him walk,slowly, towards her. Speaking quietly and soothingly. She couldn't help but to trust and love him. Nor could I. It was truly a magnificent sight, and not necessarily the horse._

_They were going to war, all of them. Samuel, my dear sweet Samuel. Alfred, so kind and wise. And Tristan, my heart. It would kill me lose any of them. I came upon Tristan in the study, looking at a book. He told me all about his father's plan in the earlier days. Though their father was tough, I knew its where they got their kindness from. When he told my how his parents had loved the idea of each other, I tried not to compare that to my relationship with Sam. I suddenly realized that I might lose ALL of them, just like my dear parents. The thought over whelmed me, and I broke down. Tristan caught me, comforted me. He promised me that he would take care of Samuel, but I really wanted to take care of himself even more. This of course made me feel even worse. It was then that I felt his lips sliding along my jaw, so smooth. We looked into each other eyes, into the other one's soul. It was the most intimate we had ever been, and it was glorious. I waited for his lips,only an inch away, to close over mine. That was when Alfred walked in._

_I begged Samuel not to go, because something told me he would not return. Despite everything, I cared for him a great deal. He promised to return, and we would marry. I knew it to be untrue. I hugged Alfred bye, and nodded to Tristan. I suppose we were being cautious. As they rode off into the rising sun, I knew nothing would ever be the same._

_It was devastating, absolutely devastating. Samuel was dead, Alfred severely injured, and Tristan not to return. I buried my love, my best friend. I knew I should have left, that it was the best thing to do. But instead, I waited. I waited for Tristan._

_I couldn't believe it, Alfred loved me. He wanted me, and I...loved another. Alfred had become my friend, my one true companion. But nothing more, as he never would be. For...my heart beat for Tristan._

_He was back. That's all I could think as he rode in on his horse. He was back. I vaguely realized Alfred walking up to me, and too watching his brother return. I looked away to Alfred, and saw pain in his eyes. He finally realized why I could never truly be with him. I ran from that pain in his eyes._

_I watched him from my window as he walked into the fields, knowing where he was going. Minutes later, I followed him. He sat by Samuel's grave, and I realized he was weeping. When he noticed me, his weeping turned to sobs. I wanted nothing more than to take away his pain. He tried to push me away when I tried to comfort him. But I wouldn't allow it. We embraced, clung to one another. He felt guilty for Samuel's death, and I for him feeling guilty. I told him there was no way he,or anybody, could have saved Sam. We clung tighter. How I had missed his arms._

_Though I knew Alfred was hurting, I couldn't help but be mad at him for his words toward Tristan. I ran after him, begging him to listen. He turned, his strong arms gathering me into him, his lips colliding with mine. Finally. I had waited for this for so long. I vaguely remember him carrying me to the house, to his room. But I certainly remembered everything else. He knew I had never been this far. He was gentle yet firm, kind yet so passionate. It was glorious, it was Tristan._

_Alfred was leaving, and we had driven him away. Yet I was not worried, for I knew he would make something amazing out of his life. I was going to live out my life with Tristan. We were happy together, running the ranch. But as they say: All good things must come to an end._

_I knew the exact moment he was turning from me. He tried to save the dying calf, so much like our beloved Samuel. I bathed him in the hot spring, but he was not spiritually with me. He was already gone. As he packed to leave, I gave one last attempt to make him stay though I knew it was pointless. As always, Tristan had to leave and heel himself. I meant it when I said forever, because I truly had nothing else. So I waited...waited for Tristan to come back to me again._

_I must have read the note 10 times before it sunk in, for it was so short and cold. So unlike my Tristan. I couldn't believe it, didn't want to. Alfred tried to comfort me the best he could and reassure me. It was pointless, all of it. I was helpless in the fight between Alfred and his dad, still broken from the despicable letter. We had promised forever, and now he was saying let go. How was I supposed to do that?_

_Despite his letter, I continued to wait for him. I simply couldn't bring my self to give up. Because surely he would realize his mistake and come for me. I used to sit on the porch for hours on end, watching the horizon. Waiting for his silhouette to appear. It did not._

_Alfred asked many times. He said I didn't deserve to be alone and suffering. I apparently deserved better. I said no, that I would wait. He continued to ask, and after many many non-Tristan horizons, I stopped saying no. _

_The wedding was grand. Thousands of flowers in a beautiful room with beautiful people. It was every girl's dream wedding. But it was not mine._

_I loved my garden. It was one of the only things that brought me joy anymore. Full of hope and beauty, like my like had once been. When I saw him, I was sure I had gone crazy. But he walked towards me, and I knew it was him. He was...beautiful. I could see the calm and peace in his eyes. He was the Tristan I had waited forever for. And I couldn't have him. I hated myself for that._

_Once, while lying in his arms, I thought back to what Isabel Two had said. She was going to marry Tristan. I thought it had been sweet and funny, for who could not love him? Now...i thought It cruel._

_His kids were beautiful. They all were, him and Issie. They were a beautiful family, my beautiful family. I saw the way he adored her, and what little humanity was left in me disappeared. He hardly even glanced my way, the girl he had once sworn forever to. I had hoped, for what I am not sure. But I had hoped, and it was not for this._

_She was dead. Isabel,Tristan's wife, was dead. I couldn't believe it. She had been like a sister to me, and now she was gone. But,even more, I couldn't believe that I was happy. Not ecstatic, but a shimmer of happiness in what had been none. And damn it, I had started hoping again._

_How could Alfred do it? Put his own brother in jail. I was furious when I found out. I had to see him. He was in his cell, and obviously surprised by my presence. He almost looked happy to see me. The bubble of hope grew. We talked, and I realized just how much of forever I was going to love this man. It was absolutely irreversible. And we both knew it. I couldn't help but cry, and then we were hugging. I had missed the warmth from his arms, something I had been without for far to long. I kissed him, not on the mouth, but everywhere else. Eyes, forehead, cheeks. We were both crying now, and he pulled away apologizing. I knew then. Hope sucked. He told me to go home, home to Alfred. My world,what little I had recreated of it, was once again shattered. The pain of it was...unbearable. I never saw him again._

The memories all flood back now. The good and the bad. They are all equally beautiful, for they are all Tristan. I do not open my eyes, but keep them closed not wanting to break the sweet illusions. I smile,happy, and pull the trigger. **I will wait for you my love, forever.**

**So...there it is. I'm actually really proud of this story. I wrote the entire thing in 1 sitting!(Which is ****very**** rare for me lol) I hope you guys liked it, and I tried to stay true to the characters! Please press the magic button(that would be the review one! ; )) Thanks!**


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